Jasper's Story
by skulblaka222
Summary: If the title isn't obvious enough, this story explores Jasper's feelings and his journey to become a Cullen just after he has left Maria. Enjoy.
1. Blood depression

Chapter 1 Jasper's Story-finding myself again.

Blood depression

A/N not much to say but enjoy. I really liked exploring Jasper's character, as he is so intriguing. Plus I haven't really seen many Fanfics about him so here's another one on the table for those of you who like a little piece of Mr. Jasper Hale. Reviews would be appreciated.

I stood completely frozen, in the mouth of the awning black alleyway. It was just past twilight, and I was glad to be free from my constant pacing in some old ruined house, I was letting my mind go on a wander. Slipping past nearly forgotten human memories mingled with the screams and tortured expressions, I had had to endure since I left what I thought I called home. I had nearly lost my humanity, and gaining it back in the last few years in a whirlwind had been agonizing for me. The hate that had often consumed me and the hate that others felt used to be my constant companion. But now that I had let go of it, left that world, -tasted this new freedom, peacefulness,- that Peter and Charlotte had saved me from… I had nothing to soothe myself with, only the horror, fear and hopelessness my victims felt, left as a residue of my last meal. I cringed at the thought, as my latest victims last emotions washed over me like a wave, pulling my stomach down to the pits of my being. What else could I do? There were little ways I could be killed. If Hollywood had anything right, it was the curse of the blood sucking monsters we were. The dejection I felt was drowning me, pulling me down. It left me heavy hearted. I could not stand it any longer. I let a calming wave pass over my body, it washed away with the black thoughts I had. This was my purpose the predator reminded me, survival. It _is_ the _only_ way. I let my emotions be caged in the back of my head, along with my mind. Instincts and need surfaced from their sleep. Like a switch being turned I changed and devoted myself to the task ahead, completely forgetting my rational self.

My eyes diluted, and rolled into the back of my skull- hiding the deep vortex' with their ruby edged tint. Hungry.- I breathed in deeply, flooding my senses, satisfying them with the numerous smells of prey. The predator triumphed inside of me as the sickly sweet smell of blood reached my nostrils. I shuddered involuntary, with pleasure. My tongue slid over my razor incisors, mouth flooding with venom. How could I have doubted, _deprived_ my desire. I demanded of myself.

The prey advanced closer to my hiding spot, I could hear the accelerated beating of her heart, as the veins pumped the blood through her system, inviting me. He, she… No! I was briefly snapped out of my reverie. Don't think about it! It… the monster reminded me severely. Knowing my bitter weakness. Blowing out the flicker of moral, of sense, of utter despair. My weak flame of resolution. _It_ was moving closer. My senses flared as the smell hit me like a stab in my exposed throat. The monster inside of me burned my throat with excitement of the hunt. Reminding me what it felt like to have such a beautiful, rich, crimson wine pour down my throat. I moaned, nothing felt as good as the taste of their sweet blood on my tongue. The distant ache flared, burning, asking me to quench its fires, -not yet. I warned it. I could not expose myself. I held the monster at bay, as it begged for the rich warm blood, begging me again to let it take over. My need flared as _it_ passed an alleyway further up and continued down the street, my scent pulling _her_ in. I stepped out of the Alleyway.

A female human, about 5 '4, long brown hair pulled tightly into a ponytail, from her stance she was about 17, maybe 18 years old. My senses informed me. I tried hard not to think of the specifics, it was making me sick, I couldn't help it. _Not that I needed any of that. What was she but my next meal?_ That's right, the monster purred in my head, locking my conscious away, along with reason and guilt.

She jumped at my godlike appearance, my raw, alien beauty. She looked me up and down with a feeling of awe, in a kind of seduced trancelike way, but I could feel the undercurrent of her emotions, no matter how much I had tried to dull them, her sharp pang of an unknown fear. I smiled revealing my teeth, slick with venom. Bad move, she started to panic, but she could not turn away from the force of my burning eyes. No matter how strange, possessed and crimson they looked. She had fallen in my trap like a fly into the carnivorous flower. Like a lamb in the eyes of a majestic lion. "Why don't you come with me." I purred, the words slipping out of my mouth like an angels voice, a shower of bells, I couldn't control. A small part of me wished she had run back into the safety of the street lamps. A very small part. The monster was taking lead, as I smelled her perfume of warm rich blood. I could already taste it on my lips as I bent down, as if to caress her neck. Then gently pulled her into the incriminating dark of the Alleyway, as the venom paralysed her body. I felt her panic at her deadened, aching limbs. Fear at the way her strength was ebbing as if she had run a marathon. Lastly her empathy for the loss of her life, love, everything, hit me like a brick wall. The monster me, was reflected in her reeling azure eyes, as I fed. I paused for a millisecond horrified at my self, but the monster and my instincts reared me in, drawing me, drowning me, and pulling me deeper into myself. I lost myself, in that millisecond, as my mind screamed against the bars it was caged in. I could not pull myself away. The woman sunk with me into the void, watching the monster from behind my own eyes, sucking the life out of both of us.

{~.*.~.*.~.*.~}

I methodically burned the body and disposed of it, without thinking about it. But I couldn't help but look as I watched her burn, see her face. The frozen terror plastered on her sweet rounded face. She was beautiful, even for a human. I felt sick, the dejection consuming my being like a black hole as I the world's greatest predator sat huddled in the alleyway, relieving the part of me that had died when my victim's struggles had ceased. My senses caught up with me as she burned. The hopelessness that I experienced after every…. Meal. I felt so weak. I shuddered internally at the thought. Something that I had once been, the emotions I had once felt. Wasn't I once human? The fear and wonder was all too real for me as I remembered my own death. What had been centuries ago, felt like minutes as I had stood over her experiencing her emotions as she died. Feeling the loss of her life and love, I relived all over again, a thousand times. I knew I had been given this power as my curse for all the carnage and sins I had committed in my earlier life. There was no rest for the wicked. I am a cannibal. I thought to myself. I used to think I knew who I was. But the awful truth spilled before me as the stiches I had sewn to keep me together had been shredded apart. I got up reluctantly, waiting myself to break into pieces as the emotions teared at me. I ran, feeling like the weight in my heart was pulling me down, slowing me to an agonizing pace even though the houses flew by me at inhuman speeds. The next minutes were the longest like they always were, while I ran the empathy of her last emotions kept dredging up, even though I pushed them down, they rose to the surface like stubborn pockets of air. After it had seemed like hours rather than minutes I reached the abandoned house I had occupied myself in while waiting for twilight. I stepped gracefully along the ruined floor to seat my self on a musty old chair. I let all my past and present fears consume me. Why did death effect me so badly now? It never had before, especially with my past including the constant grisly carnage I had endured without preservation or thought, except for my survival. At the time it had felt natural, right. Now it seemed sick, masochistic, and morally wrong. Even for the damned. I had seen now why Peter had been so affected by it, the love for charlotte had saved him from my depression, from the monster I had become, created, even in my own eyes. Discovering this had been a physically and mentally destabilizing blow to what I though was right. I had pushed the knife in so far; that by the time I realised it was there it had been festering. Leaving me under the constant cover of my now black moods. Forcing me to steal happiness from other people's emotions to stop myself from turning into to more of a stranger. To try and dull the gnaw of the knife and the monster at my sanity. I should be able to accept the result of the sour aftertaste of my now infrequent hunts, but I wrestled with the side of my remaining shred of humanity that had struggled to the surface… and my instincts. No wonder Peter and Charlotte had been eager to see me go. I was the thorn in their side. Peter, knowing better than everyone else understood my black moods, but couldn't understand why I couldn't get over them. I was the block in their relationship in Charlotte's eyes. They couldn't hide the tenor of their confusion and annoyance at my dark state, my aversion to our natural food source, which I felt after every hunt. Surely this more peaceful life was enough? One day I just left them. They would not of thought it strange. Vampires rarely formed large covens, and were infrequent. Covens were normally formed around relationships, and resource for a certain talent, need or similar vendetta. Threes a crowd, -even in our world-, after all. It was common for us to travel separately or in couples, with a life mate. I had already been here too long. I had, overstayed my welcome. I pulled away from my reverie and felt the air outside too see if there were any hostile emotions. None.

All there was, were a cat. Stalking into the shadows away from my scent.


	2. Eternal night, eternal battle

Jasper's story- Eternal night, eternal battle.

I had no idea where I was going. I let my instincts take me. But not enough to loose my self to the monster. It did not struggle. It was satisfied enough- for now. Only a dull ache resided in the back of my throat. Only an echo of what I had endured earlier that night. As I sped through the night on foot, my now bright ruby eyes were alert, taking in every movement, my sharp ears, every sound. Despite the speed I was running I could see everything, the dark was only a dimmer, less colourful version of day.

I ran, exhilarated by the speed, as I was that first time, swirling the motes that swum lazily in the summer night. For the first time in who knows how long, I laughed, despite myself. My being warmed at the noise- despite the hysterical edge to it. Some small force propelled me forward, whether slight peacefulness or content, never happiness-but it was enough. It took that certain chill away like being bathed in semi luke-warm water. Like something was reaching out to me, pulling me, directing me.

I didn't even know why I was running or where I was going. I didn't care, I ran faster, leaving behind my past, my memories, my home. A tendril of wind seemed to whisper in my ear. I felt some strong emotion at the sweet sound. It called to me like a siren. Aching to fill the void, the empty hole that lay in my heart. I did not understand it. Nor did I try to. Because, for mere moments, I ran with joy, blocking out those painful emotions. I felt free like I had left the monster behind, like I had won. Like I had found myself.

But these were escapist dreams, not mine. I couldn't sleep, dream or ever hope to escape my past. I slowed, ever slightly. My elated feeling gone. As reality set in, snapping everything into perspective once more. As if the invisible, inaudible voice had ceased to call me. I looked round myself, even though I knew where I was. A small forest of trees. I could hear clearly the local animals running in every direction as my smell hit their noses. _Intelligent creatures_, I thought to myself. They saw the monster that took me decades to see in myself. The despair and desolation hit me again. Despite my physical strength, I felt vulnerable to the emotions that teared at my insides. Drawing me again into a dark mood. Whatever I had felt before, had been some sort of madness. No force drove me, It was my mind giving me what I desired for mere seconds, then taking it away. Without thinking I was running again.

There was no hope for the kind like me. No matter what I had chosen. I could of left Maria earlier. I was no doubt was a monster of the grisliest kind. A cold-blooded killer, with the aftertaste of all his murder-come too late. Wishing that he could start again. Knowing he couldn't.

I did not want to kill anything, especially nothing I have been before. Not now, not ever. What had once seemed right to me now seemed disgusting and morally wrong.

But what else could I do? I couldn't abandon my need, the course that nature had laid out for us. How else was I meant to survive, to control the thirst? As if to remind me, my throat ached, dully, reminding me of my next victim. What would they be like? Male/female, tall/short, short black hair, hazel/brown eyes, beautiful/Hideous. What would I steal from them? Love, life, friendship? I was no god, yet I stole people's lives for my own selfish purposes.

I could stop…

I stopped abruptly, not properly registering the place I had stopped. I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts to care. Not much could hurt…. kill me. I corrected. Remembering the multiple lancets that covered my arms and face.

Why couldn't I just end this carnage, what was stopping me? Thirst couldn't kill me. Just weaken me. My very being shuddered at the thought. I knew I could not last long without the sweet taste to satiate my gnawing hunger. It was like a drug I was born addicted to. A mother's addiction passed onto her children. A vampire's hunger passed to a newborn. I knew that a large part of me did not want to give it up, could not give it up. The two sides were fighting me viscously, tearing me into two_. To kill or not to kill. That was the question._ I smiled briefly at my own morbid humour. Clearly I was going mad, in the general sense of the world. I had this multiple personality battle before. It had occurred so many times that even my vampire mind could not keep up. My need or my happiness- no not happiness even… my sanity.

On the one hand, I knew that on the surface it was not natural to have such an aversion to my natural prey, despite being the prey once. It was the natural circle of life. Why should I question the nature of all things. Though deep within in me, the memory was too clear. Like a borrowed memory it sprang forth. Weighing the emotions that I had once felt, the last night I was human. My terror, fear, confusion and utter helplessness, as Maria created me. This was the memory, the offensive always dragged up for me to witness. That single shred of humanity that remained under layers of hate and pointless vampire war. Then the same emotions I had felt from every victim. Relived again and again, as I saw again what a monster I had become. My own personal talent, my own demon and taint. I had become my own childhood nightmare, a dark demon that waited until dusk and then stole helpless victims lives as they slept- or walked the lamp lit streets unaware that their lives were about to last seconds before they passed into the void. The stuff of nightmares and horror, a monster -that had been clear in me since I had lost most of the red mist that clung to me when I left the southern wars- of the grisliest kind.

I did not want to kill anything now, but it could not be helped, I was weak, I could not self-discipline myself.

I wanted to stop, and I knew I would- for a time. Until my throat burned like white fire, until my mind went mad with the thirst and I lost all sense of will. Until I gave into the monster I had created. I even wished that I could hunt even less… But I couldn't, after nearly a centaury of instant satisfaction of my thirst; I could not discipline myself into it. Breaking the habit- my natural instinct- was impossible. _That's right._ A small voice whispered in my head. My depression rose like a wave and pulled me under its black veil again. I had sentenced myself to this eternal night, to this eternal battle. There was no hope for me, no end in sight. Like many times before, I wished I had died that night, I wished that I had never been reborn.


	3. Love is like opening your eyes

Chapter 3 Jasper's Story- Finding Myself again

~*Love is like opening your eyes for that very first time.*~

A/N so long time no see people who may or may not read this story. Yes it is true i have emerged once again with another chapter. How exciting. I bet you can't guess what its about ;). Enjoy and please review :D that would make me more encouraged to update more often.

Disclaimer: don't own Twilight etc. etc.

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It had been three weeks since I had last 'fed'- if that's what you could call it. My throat was blazing, but not to the point where I couldn't control it. My other side, my deepening depression, the constant stream of reminders -as I felt the emotions of annoyance and depressing sadness at the weather, as it swirled around me- reined me in reminding me of the horrible aftertaste if I gave in. The monster was restrained-for now.

I took a deep breath, and stepped out of my comfort zone, -my carefully placed safe zone, for the humans, not me- into the gloomy midafternoon of Philadelphia. My eyes darted from side to side. Analysing the minute crowd, the prey. Growing even smaller as the weather became harsh. I was wearing a thick overcoat-not that I needed it- to blend in, shrugging my shoulders to imitate those who were hoping to block the furious wind that howled through the empting streets. The already minute crowd had shrunk to half the size, leaving a wide berth around me, they did not understand it themselves, un-consciously, I was dangerous. Especially with my eyes as dark as there were, again to blend in. dark enough so nobody would notice the thin ruby ring that encased my iris. But this also meant I was hungry. This worried me a little as the delicious human scents, mingled the air around me, stunning me. A precautious catch 22. I laughed darkly to myself having skimmed the pages of some human book. I pushed that back out of my mind. Some over-confident Humans brushed past me, staring out of the corners of their eyes. Marvelling at my beauty, my grace for seconds. They did not acknowledge me long enough to register my face. In seconds I was just a strange distant memory. Another human passed close to me; -obviously he had no sense at all- and the wind at the same time attacked mercilessly knocking me senseless by his lustrous scent. I swallowed hard and stopped breathing, moving my shoulders minutely up and down, to imitate the movement, as the excitement died in my eyes. Trying very hard not to analyse him as I usually would, with my next meal. But the wind picked up like a battering ram. I clenched my jaw with restraint. Not only for my own personal goal, but also because of the publicity of the place. Despite my constant grief- I didn't want to die. I briefly caught a glance of my own reflection in a window. It was full of hatred, I looked absolutely crazed. I had to control myself. I walked as quickly as I could away from the man, without attracting attention towards a small diner. As soon as I was out of his sight, I tried to rearrange my features into something resembling normality. At least something _sane_. I settled at a downcast expression, matching the weather. I stopped just outside the ragged diner staring vacantly at the menu pinned to the window, to look as if I were examining it. Without really caring my brain started to note down the options, again out of habit.

_Ray's Diner- home of the best coffee in the states of America_- typical.

I read down the list of unappealing human food, the smells from the diner making me gag in disgust. At least -I thought wryly- its keeping my mind off…other needs. I nearly finished the list in under .5 of a second, when I had moved onto beverages, a name stood out. _Bloody Mary. _I knew, from experience that it wasn't real blood, but an achoholic beverage, nethertheless my need flared. I cut off my air, my senses. The world seemed to have it in for me today. Moving my eyes to something else… then as in answer to my prayer, a strong breeze picked up, like a whirlwind, bringing down with it a storm of rain. I sighed exhaling, filling my lungs with fresh air as it washed away the sweet stench of human blood. I felt relived as the sheeting rain, washed the human smell away. Though the rain was turning to a downpour. My mood turned sour again. It would look strange if I were standing still in the rain, as if I didn't notice the cold chilling sheets that repeatedly hit my hard back. Which was nothing to me, but a slight annoyance. But the slight annoyance may give me away. I gnashed my teeth in frustration. I had to enter the diner. I decided I hated the day even more. I rushed in at a slow human speed, wrapping my thick coat around me. Panting slightly to imitate a weak human respiratory system. The small bell rang, admitting me to absolute hell, pure delicious hell.

The diner was mostly empty. A small reassurance. Most had decided to rush home than wait out the storm that was increasing in its ferocity every second. Lucky for them…in more ways than one. If the diner had been packed, it would have been humid and heavy with their smell- I could barely stand it at this almost empty rate. Imagine what would have happened if those insolent idiots had decided to wait the storm out in here. The monster stirred in me with pleasure, while outwardly I shuddered. All these thoughts swirled around me, rapidly. Luck seemed to be on my side in this situation.

That's when it hit me. Not the normal smell of blood, a different more familiar smell. The smell of my kind. A small instinctual feral growl built in my chest as I glanced in the direction the competition was sitting. My mind. weighing my opponent subconsciously as it did with all prey and threats alike. Her frame was small and skinny about just over five foot, she was hunched over with an untouched coffee steaming in her petite ebony fingers. However what struck me as most strange was how she was turned away from me. It had taken me less than a second to find her scent and assess the threat,- All before the door had closed- yet from the look of her she hadn't seemed to notice me. Or so I had thought- while contemplating that this could be an advantage to me.

However as soon as I had started calculating my chances of taking her down if worse came to worse, her black spiked head turned to me, revealing a cute grin on her face. I vaguely registered the wooden door slamming behind me, shuddering in his frame. She hopped down from the high stool that she had been perched on at the diner's counter, and walked over to me. I felt shocked. Did she mean to attack me? Was I encroaching on her territory? Was she ready to fight me to have control over this part of the area? That was all the knowledge I could draw from my darker past. I was confused I hadn't caught her smell anywhere around here. I prepared myself as strode over with purpose to her walk. What completely put me off guard as she came to stand before me was the smile on her face, and the emotions emitting from her, which were like nothing I had ever felt before. She looked at me with her black eyes, which told she was as hungry as I, but I could feel another emotion from her…happiness and something else entirely new to me.

She put her hands on her slender hips as if chastising a naughty child, and spoke "You've kept me waiting a long time." Unaware of what I was doing I bowed my head and spoke without thinking. "I'm sorry ma'am."

All I could think was how beautiful and striking I thought she looked or how as soon as she had turned her head the dim light seemed to brighten as I felt purpose….and …and-I had trouble putting the feeling into words. Love? Belonging? Yes there was that but something else that felt like the weight and darkness that had surrounded had been lifted off my shoulders. As she offered her slender hand to me, I took it with out a thought. I put a word to my feeling. For the first time in I didn't know how long…I felt hope.

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